


Government Cheese

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 06:59:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Jade





	Government Cheese

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimers: Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys belong to MCA/Universal. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Violence: Not really.
> 
> Sailor Alert: The ship has just come into port. I use the "f" word quite a bit in this parody, among other curse words. If that's something that will disturb you, please skip this.
> 
> Sex: Nothing worse than an "R" flick.
> 
> Insensitive Jerk: I am one.
> 
> Spoilers: The Ides of March, Fallen Angel, God Fearing Child, Seeds of Faith. Most of season four and five.
> 
> Parody: This is one. If you get offended easily over the lives of make-believe characters, then you should skip this story! :D
> 
> Weirdness Disclaimer: This parody takes place in present day with Ares still being a god and Xena as an immortal.

A knock on their cheap, wooden, vandalized door woke them from their five day binge of alcohol, drugs and Jerry Springer. Ares was the first occupant of the house to wake up. Untangling his legs and arms from Xena's, he worked himself free of a satin comforter that one of them had unknowingly covered them up in. Standing up and almost tripping over a vodka bottle, he swore loudly and opened the door.

Oh no. Hera and Zeus? What did he do to deserve a visit from them both?

"What do you two want?" he yelled, not at all happy with them just 'dropping in.'

"We came to visit you, dear. You really should be more appreciative. We don't visit all our kids, you know. Ask Hercules," Hera said. "Not that I consider that little asshole 'ours,'" she whispered to Zeus.

Spotting a huddled form on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket like a baked potato on a grill, Hera narrowed her bright green eyes. Grabbing a peacock feather out of her purse, she threw it at Xena.

Ares caught it in his fist. "What did you think you were doing?"

"You're still with _her_?"

"Shut up, Mother."

"Boy, don't speak to your mother like that!" Zeus bellowed from across the room.

"I just did," Ares said, knowing he was acting nothing more than a petulant child, but he couldn't stop himself when his parents were around.

Xena looked at them from her spot within the blankets. Yawning widely, she said, "Do you think you guys could keep it down? I mean, we didn't go to sleep until eight o'clock this morning and I'm really tired."

"It's five in the afternoon!" Zeus said with angrily, trying to quell his urge to throw a lightning bolt at her.

"I work third shift," Xena whined, pulling the covers up over her head.

"You don't have a job!" Zeus said as he aimed a thunderbolt at the pile of blankets and fired. No lightning quell that time.

"OW!" Xena jumped up from her pile of blankets and glared at Hera and Zeus. "Do you want some of this grandpa?"

"Xena," Ares warned.

"What?"

"Nothing, keep going. I'm rather enjoying this."

"Thought so."

Zeus sighed. "I'm not that old."

"Yeah right." Xena glared at him. "If you were a mortal you'd be ashes right now." She laughed. "And I'd roll ya and smoke ya."

Ares rolled his eyes so that only the white showed, freaking everyone out. "She would."

Hera looked around their small apartment. It was filthy. Bottles from every kind of alcoholic beverage invented littered the tables and floors of the entire apartment. Empty boxes of government cheese were now home to bugs who never thought they'd get owners who appreciated them enough to give them their own space.

"This place is disgusting." To emphasize her point, she picked up a half-dead wiggling cockroach with a number two pencil that depicted a bunch of smiling, yellow happy faces, and waved it back and forth. "I mean, what's this?"

Ares thought about it. "It's a cockroach that's been impaled with a happy face pencil, and you're waving around it around like it's a piece of meat on a stick. I can't believe Xena didn't eat that."

Xena rubbed her stomach. "I was full from all the vodka and cheese we consumed the other day." She smiled. Taking out her breast dagger, she sliced a hunk of two day old government cheese, and held it out to Zeus. "Want some?"

"Er, I'll pass."

Xena snuggled back into her blankets, and watched as Hera grabbed an empty paper cup off of the coffee table, and walked to the kitchen.

"Oh Zeus!" Hera ran back out of the kitchen, and looked at Zeus expectantly.

"What?" Zeus wondered at the look.

"Your daughter is laying unconscious on the floor in there!" Hera grabbed Zeus' arm and led him toward the kitchen.

"Which one?" Zeus asked badly.

"The Goddess of Love," Hera said.

"My baby girl is laying on the kitchen floor?"

Zeus opened the kitchen door, and covered his mouth in horror. His baby girl, Aphrodite, was laying in a heap on the dirty kitchen floor. Two opened pizza boxes filled with uneaten crusts acted as her pillow, her normally curly blond locks were now stuck to her head in greasy, sauce smeared strings. A black ski hat ensured that her hair moved absolutely nowhere, and she had a large joint stuck over her left ear.

Hera found herself disturbed by the image. "Zeus, she's not wearing any lingerie. I'm almost worried."

Zeus inspected the rest of his daughter, and found that what his spiteful wife said was true. 'Dite usually wore her pink lingerie stuff. The clothes she was wearing simply had to go.

Aphrodite yawned, unaware that the action caused the dam holding back her drool to break under the strain. It dribbled down her chin until it reached the floor and landed in a small puddle. A cockroach that had been scurrying across the floor got caught in the path of the quivering mass of liquid, and began to slowly walk across the floor carrying its new coat of goo.

Zeus and Hera watched the cockroach's journey in morbid fascination. Neither seemed to be able to turn away from the sight.

"Should we wake her up?" Hera asked, not knowing if they should dare.

"APHRODITE!" Zeus said at the top of his lungs. No daughter of his was going to act so disgraceful. Unlike his son, who could act as disgraceful as he wanted for at least another week.

The Goddess of Love's eyes opened immediately. Two blood shot blue orbs attempted to focus on the people she knew were standing above her, but they weren't complying.

"Like, dad? Is that like, totally you?" she said, picking up a pizza crust, and taking a bite. She chewed slowly, then said, "'Cause if it's not, this is one bitchin' dream."

Zeus waited for his daughter to actually see him.

"Oh, man, it's like, totally you for real. What are you doing here? You're crashin' the party," Aphrodite said, finally managing to focus and stand up at the same time.

"I'm not the one that let them in," Xena voice wafted through the door in an angelic tone from the living room.

"We're leaving." Hera picked up a left over pizza crust and threw it at Aphrodite. "When you realize you're living in filth, you can come home."

"Ouch. Like, what crawled up your ass and died, toots?" Aphrodite asked, ignoring Ares' laughter from the other room.

Zeus and Hera walked back to the living room. Their body language screamed out "pissed" but they both remained as calm as could be expected. Aphrodite followed them, wanting to see what else they had to say.

"Xena," Zeus pointed at her, "if you don't clean up your act within a week, I'm going to put you on a scared straight time period."

Xena snorted. "You have nothing that can scare me, old timer."

"Oh yeah?" Zeus smiled maliciously. "One word: Gabrielle."

Xena, snuggled deep within her cocoon of blankets, sat straight up and looked the old god in the eye. "You wouldn't."

"I will. You have one week. Get a job, and clean your apartment!"

Zeus and Hera exited their son's disgusting apartment quietly, and slammed the door loudly behind them. The God of War never stopped making them angry. It was part of his job. But Xena, she pissed them both off even more.

Aphrodite sat down on the couch with her brother and his immortal girlfriend. "This sucks," she whined.

"All three of us, get a job? I don't think so," Ares said, picking up the remote control. He turned on the TV. "I think Seinfeld is on. We'll discuss this later, or never."

"Preferably never," Xena added.

"For us all," Aphrodite said, mimicking Xena's earlier tone of voice.

"Hey," Xena said suddenly, looking at Aphrodite, "want to watch me off cockroaches using only popcorn kernels?"

"Yeah! I love it when you do that," Aphrodite said.

Both Ares and Aphrodite watched as Xena dug through her blankets to find her ammo. Finally, her hand came out of the blankets with a small bag of popcorn kernels and a twinkie. She handed the twinkie to Ares.

"I know how much you love these," she said while placing a kernel on the tip of her tongue.

Using her excellent predatory skills, she scanned the apartment for one of its many little insect tenants, and spit the kernel with as much force as possible.

Aphrodite and Ares both got up to stand by the wall and inspect Xena's latest kill.

"Dead on," Ares said, leaning in to get a better look. "Your kernel went clear through it. Right in one side and out the other."

Aphrodite squealed in excitement. "Do it again, Xena!"

The next day, Hercules knocked on the door. Aphrodite was again laying on her bed on the kitchen floor, this time with the added comfort of a garbage bag acting as a blanket. Ares and Xena were busy beneath the blankets on the couch. Neither one wanted to move to answer the door, so they didn't.

"I know you're in there!" Hercules yelled, sounding very much like his long time pal, The Sovereign, who was now based in Los Angelas, and not another universe.

"Busy!" Ares replied.

"Don't answer it. I hate when he comes over. He always wants money," Xena said, tracing his ear with her finger.

"It's not like we give it to him," Ares reasoned.

"True."

"That's it," Hercules said, "I'm coming in whether you want me in there or not."

Before Xena or Ares could get up to answer the door, it was on the floor standing half-way upright by an extremely large pile of dirty laundry. Hercules stood in the doorway glowering at them.

"We don't have any money, and last night you were on America's Most Wanted," Xena informed the demi-god.

"Did you have to make so much fucking noise?" Aphrodite asked belatedly from the kitchen while pulling up her garbage bag so that it was snug over her head.

"Sorry, Sis," Herc said dismissing her quickly. "What was I on there for?"

Xena coughed, then lit a Marlboro. "I don't know. I was too busy counting all of the things Ares and I were on there for. I'm sure it was something bad, though."

"Nah, it's The Sovereign they want. The F.B.I. keeps confusing us."

"Sure," Xena agreed sarcastically.

Hercules pouted then asked, "Smoking now, Xena?"

Xena looked surprised, then waved her hand around0 the room. "I'm sorry, is smoking not allowed in this paradise I call home?"

"Look," Hercules started, "I need about five hundred dollars."

Ares almost choked on a sip of Molson. "What?!"

Xena raised her eyebrow in an, "I told you so" gesture.

"Absolutely not!" Ares said. "You know I hate you, and I only tolerated your presence because of them." He looked pointedly at Xena, then at the kitchen door where Aphrodite made her room. "I detest you."

"But I stopped saving people," Hercules whined.

"And that's admirable," Ares agreed. "But I still don't like you. Get out."

"And fix our door!" Xena added.

Hercules pouted, but picked up the door. He slammed it back in to its frame, then turned around to glare at them. "I guess I'll go back to my cardboard box then."

"Do that," Xena said, exhaling smoke in a nifty chakram pattern like Ares had taught her.

Ares waved him out. "See you at the soup kitchen, bro."

* * *

Gabrielle was sitting on a wet rock next to Perdicus. They were in the Elysian Fields, which, from her point of view, really sucked. Perd, as she had come to think of him, was goggling at her, and had been for centuries. Sitting on the other side of her, was Joxer, also goggling, also for centuries. It was enough to make her want to scream, but screaming in the fields was frowned upon by just about every deliriously happy soul there.

She made herself feel better by throwing a rock at Perdicus' head from a very close distance.

"Ow!" he cried out, rubbing his injured forehead.

She smiled sweetly. "Sorry, accident."

Perdicus giggled. "It's okay. I forgive you." He got a seriously psycho look on his face. "Just like I did when you had sex with Xena. I forgave you, didn't I?"

Gabrielle scowled.

"She had sex with Xena?" Joxer asked. "How come I never noticed?"

 _Will he be clueless for eternity?_ Gabrielle wondered. _Why yes, I think he will be._ She placed a hand on Joxer's shoulder and smiled sweetly for the second time that day. "Joxer, Xena and I never had homosexual sex. There's no such thing."

"Really?" Joxer brightened up immediately. "Good. I love you, Gabby!"

Perdicus assumed his psycho look again. "Not as much as I do, Gabrielle." He knocked her hand off of Joxer's shoulder. "What was with marrying me when you really loved her? I could hear your thoughts you know. Bet you never thought I'd hear you say, 'Gods, Xena, you're so much better than Perdicus was.'"

Perdicus' features twisted into something positively feral, and for an instant she was reminded of Xena. She pushed him off of their shared wet rock, and laughed. "Sorry Perdicus, accidents happen you know. Isn't that what you said on our wedding night?"

Perdicus was about to jump back on the rock and defend his actions when Hades appeared in front of them.

Hades looked exhausted, like a God forced to judge people all day. Tartarus-Elysian Fields-Tartarus-Elysian Fields. He could never get those words out of his head! "Gabrielle, your life is being restored on earth."

"What?" she asked, not believing him.

"Apparently Xena and Ares aren't cleaning up their act...and well, Zeus thinks you would be the best remedy for the situation."

"But I'm still mad at Xena for staying with him," she whined.

"Yes, well, we're all mad at something, aren't we?"

"You could bring back Borias," Gabrielle informed him.

"Yes, well, Zeus considered that, and thought she and Ares would both like that too much."

"Godsdamn it!" Gabrielle yelled, pushing Joxer off of the rock.

"What did I do?" Joxer asked as he fell to the dewy grass covered ground.

"Fine! I'll go, but she is going to pay!" Gabrielle stood up, and looked at her flowing white robe. "I want my outfit back."

"Which one?" Hades questioned. "The Amazon BGSB ensemble, the sari, or my personal favorite, the sai almost lookin' like a hooker outfit?"

"Almost looking like one?" Gabrielle groaned. "I tried so hard. I questioned Meg. You would think the woman would know about tramp clothes. Anyway, I want the Amazon one. It's my favorite."

"Very well. Safe journey," Hades said as he waved his hand over her.

* * *

 _I'm going to kill her. Okay, killing her is impossible. Wait, I'll find some hinds' blood and then I'll kill her._ Gabrielle was not happy. She was standing in the middle of a filthy living room that was presumably part of the Immortal residence. _I can't believe the idiots actually chose immortal as their last name._

She half-choked on a centuries old taco she had eaten right before she had creamed it. _A three thousand year old indigestion problem, great._ The apartment she was standing in was her worst nightmare. Insects of all sizes were stuck to the walls, and some on the ceilings, in various states of decomposition. Garbage and dirty clothes were strewn about the floor. She could feel her anger forming a ball in the pit of her stomach like when Xena had been injured in the Roman camp, and she had killed all those Romans, except this was no Roman camp, and they were immortal. _No one to kill, damn it! But on the other hand,_ she spared another lingering look at the bug carcasses, _it's good to know she's still honing her tongue skills._

"Xeeeeenah," she whispered softly.

Gabrielle's eyes narrowed when she noticed the blankets on the couch and the forms underneath it. The squirming beneath them immediately ceased all movement with the sound of her voice.

Ares stilled his frantic movements, and squinted at Xena beneath the blankets. It was, after all, dark under there. "Xena, did you hear that?"

Xena tensed. "She always did have bad timing." She moaned loudly as Ares reached for his half empty vodka bottle.

"You're telling me," he said. "Are you going to answer her, or shall we continue?"

Ares chugged from the vodka bottle, and threw the blanket back over their heads revealing them to Gabrielle's psychotic eyes. He looked at Xena expectantly.

Xena made eye contact with Gabrielle, and grabbed the cigarette that was perched on Ares' ear. She lit it, and inhaled deeply before saying anything. "S'up?"

Gabrielle, Xena noticed, was seriously pissed. _Well, my ex-lover, dead for, shit...how long has she been dead for? Dead for a long time...ooh good save, Xena. Dead for a long time, has found me with our most hated enemy doing the nasty. Would I be mad?_ she wondered, _I'd fucking kill him!_

Gabrielle was so angry she was shaking. Sure that her face must be red with anger, she said, "I've been dead all this time, and you've shacked up with this moron?"

"Hey!" Ares said, upset that his good name was being mocked.

"Gab," Xena started, while unhooking her limbs from Ares', among other things, "You've been dead for a long time..."

"How long?" Gabrielle put her hands on her hips and waited for Xena to answer.

Xena fidgeted, and threw the blankets off of them completely. Ares quickly pushed Xena off of the couch, and drew the blankets back up over him.

"What?" he asked. "It's friggen cold in here."

Xena glared at him.

"I learned that move from Borias," he said, as though that would help soothe her aching butt, that had landed rather heavily on an upturned pizza box, giving her quite the paper cut.

Xena scanned the pile of dirty clothes, and picked out a half-way decent T-shirt. It said, "Starfleet Academy" and fit her trim frame loosely. She then grabbed a pair of Ares' boxer shorts that had small happy faces all over them, and put them on.

"Well?" Gabrielle asked, knowing that Xena's putting on clothes wouldn't make her forget the question.

"Um, thousands of years," was Xena's half hearted reply.

"Yes, how many exactly. What day did I die?"

Ares raised his hand from the depths of the blankets. "I know!" He got Xena's look with twice the intensity for daring to say that. "I do. Do you?"

Gabrielle sighed in exasperation. "Okay, if you don't know when I died, that's okay. It's been a long time, and you've never been that good with the details due to your all consuming alcohol problem. Just answer me this: how did I die?"

Xena looked heart-broken. She stared at Ares forlornly, then back at Gabrielle with the same look. "I was," she sniffled, "I was drunk, and had passed out beneath some hay in the stables. Najara had come out of her coma, and came searching for you, but I didn't realize because I had been on a binge in the barn for a week."

"And?" Gabrielle urged her to continue.

"And you two had lunch at Falafel's and ate some poisoned tacos because The Jinn had told Najara that dinner at Falafel's was 'kick ass' and 'definitely worth the five dinars'. And because of the damn Jinn I never saw you again," Xena wailed. "And your bodies smelled so bad we had to bury you right away. It was like someone had farted, but it was a massive gigantic fart of epic proportions."

"The stench was unbelievable," Ares agreed.

"Oh my gods!" Gabrielle yelled. "Did I really die like that? I thought Najara stuck a sword through me or something! I didn't realize it was bad tacos. What a terrible way to go."

"You're telling me. I had to tell your parents'!"

"Fine, forget all this. You two need to clean up your act. Get jobs and clean this place."

Xena crawled back onto the couch with Ares. "No way in Hell am I going to clean."

"Besides," Ares said, "If we get a job then we lose our food stamps and cheese."

"And those good eggs, and the cereal," Xena added.

"And that delicious powdered milk," Ares said with a wistful sigh. _Powdered milk! That stuff that comes from cows is so overrated._

"You two are sick. You need help," Gabrielle said, sitting down on the pile of dirty laundry. "And what is that?" she asked, pointing at the television.

Before either of them could explain the television, Aphrodite walked into the living room from the kitchen. Wiping her face with a wet paper towel she said, "Jeez, could you guys like, pay your water bill? It really sucks having to wash my face with left over drool."

"Aphrodite?" Gabrielle questioned, awed that the goddess of love had stooped to her brother and Xena's standards of living.

"Yo' it's like, the bardie poo," she wiggled her eyebrows, "Want a taco?"

Gabrielle squinted. The Goddess of Love looked nothing like she did thousands of years ago. "What happened to you?"

Aphrodite broke down crying. "Like, Cupie's in jail 'cause he got caught during, like, this prostitution scam. And he was like, carrying some magic powder with him, and like, now he's ... GooooODDDDS!" she wailed.

The teenage girl that lived in the apartment beside them banged on the wall. "Shut the fuck up, losers!" she yelled.

That only made Aphrodite wail louder.

"Cupid's in jail?" Gabrielle asked stupidly.

"Yes!"

"Gods, what has the world come to?"

"I don't know. My little boy is not a whore!" Aphrodite lit a joint, and took a long toke from it. Holding her breath for a moment, she then exhaled and held the joint out to Gabrielle, "Want some? It always helps me calm my nerves. You must've been pretty pissed appearing to Xena and Ar's little celebratin' that Seinfeld was on party."

Gabrielle took the joint from Aphrodite's hand. "What's Seinfeld?" she asked as she opened a nearby window and threw the joint out of it.

Aphrodite looked stunned. "That was way not cool, Gabrielle." Tears and all, she punched the little bard in the face knocking her unconscious.

As her head descended towards the pile of dirty laundry, Gabrielle was very aware that even this was better than spending eternity with Perdicus and Joxer. And then all was dark and silent.

Ares looked at Xena longingly. "Want to finish?"

"I don't think so," Xena said, putting on a pair of combat boots. "I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?" Ares asked.

"Does it matter? Anywhere that you and your stench aren't!"

"Hey, I just showered last month!" He looked at Aphrodite for support.

"Don't look at me, bro. I'm going to hang out on the roof. Catch you later," Aphrodite told him.

Watching Xena and Aphrodite leave the apartment, he stared at Gabrielle. A feeling of overwhelming dread enveloped him. "Wait, you guys. You're not going to leave me alone with this thing, are you? Xena, I'm sorrrry!"

Gabrielle, finally waking up, left the living room to move on to other territories. "Seriously, I can't believe you all live in this filth," she said walking into the bathroom. "Oooh, refreshing beverage. How I've missed thee!"

"Gabrielle," Ares started.

"Refreshing water. Drink of the gods!"

"Gabrielle, that's toilet water," Ares told her baldly. He almost wished he could watch the little bard spew it everywhere, but unfortunately that would require him moving from the couch.

"And?" she asked, not knowing what a toilet was.

"Chamber pot leavings," Ares said. He grinned maliciously waiting for the inevitable cursing.

"Son of a bacchae!" she yelled, spewing the water all over the filthy sink. Spotting a tube that said "Colgate" on it, she opened it. Sniffing it, and pleased by the smell, she asked, "What's this 'colgate' stuff?"

"Tooth paste," Ares answered. He yawned. "I'm going to sleep now. Don't bother me."

"Got ya," she answered. Almost afraid, she squeezed some of the 'tooth paste' in her mouth. Finding its taste surprisingly pleasing, she ate a little more. _Remember Gab, you thought Falafel's taco was pretty good before you cheesed it. Just because it tastes good doesn't mean it's good for you. After all, you just drank toilet water._

She stepped into what had to be the tub, and curled up into a ball. Sharing the place with a bunch of spiders and cockroaches didn't really bother her. After all, nothing could be scarier than a life with Xena, and she had been there done that.

 _The phone's ringing,_ Ares thought to himself. _Get up and answer it._

**RING.**

**RING.**

**_RINNNNNGGGGGG._ **

_Hmm, how long have I been sleeping?_ he wondered. He searched the blankets for the cordless phone. It took him a few minutes, but finally he held the black Toshiba in his hand. He clicked the red talk button. "Hello?"

"I'm in jail," Xena informed him. "Come and bail me out."

"What? Gods this is the third time this month. Did anyone recognize you from America's Most Wanted?"

"Not yet. Hurry!"

"I'll be right there."

Click.

"Gabrielle, we need to go."

"Go where?" Gabrielle asked from her bed in the tub.

"Xena's been arrested. I need to go bail her out."

"Where's Aphrodite?"

"I don't know. It's not important."

Ares materialized his clothing with a thought, before the bard came out of the bathroom. "Take my hand. This is faster."

Gabrielle grabbed his hand. She closed her eyes and waited to be transported to gods only knew where.

* * *

Aphrodite opened the door to the roof, careful not to open it too widely or else she'd end up hitting Hobo Jack. Hobo Jack never took kindly to being whacked by the door while he was sleeping.

Scanning the rooftop, she finally saw Hercules' cardboard box. It was a new one. _He like, must've totally seached the streets for someone who just bought, like, a new fridge or something._

She knocked on the side of the box, and waited for her brother to answer her.

"Come in," Hercules said softly.

She crawled into the box, amazed at how her brother had made it homey. A small window was cut into one side of it. Curtains made from an old, oil stained shirt rode the breeze coming in from the window. A pre-Tommy Lee picture of Pamela Anderson Lee from _Baywatch_ was taped on the top of the box, and another picture of Xena, Ares and herself was taped behind Herc's head. _Ooh the one where we're all flipping him off. I love that one!_

"S'up?" she asked him.

"I hate Ares," Hercules told her.

"And like, Xena, right?"

"I can't hate Xena. I'm still hoping she'll do me again."

"Whoa, that must've been like, one kickin' love fest you two had."

"It was a long time ago though. It's okay, Pam keeps me company."

"I'm sure she does, Bro. But you should really find yourself a new girlfriend. Preferably a real one. That talks to you. And like, is willing to share your cardboard box and everything."

"You don't think Pam would share my box?"

"Way out of your league."

"You could hook us up."

"Nah uh. I like, totally don't do that anymore. I'm on a love holiday."

Hercules picked up a bottle that was covered with a brown paper bag. Taking a sip of the liquid, he looked at his sister, then offered it to her.

Aphrodite took a sip. A moment later she spit the liquid out spraying it all over Hercules' newly renovated cardboard box. "Eeew, like, Pepsi?"

Hercules sighed. "I'm not a drunk junkie like the rest of you. I still have my standards," he said adjusting his blankets that were made out of old newspapers.

"Sure. I'm leaving. Bye Bro."

"Bye." He watched as Aphrodite left. Alone again. _Maybe I could get Hobo Jack to get the rest of the homeless gang to come over to my box for a nice little get together. I'll serve crackers and vodka. That always makes me popular._

* * *

Xena sat against the cold unyielding bars of the jail cell. She already had three butch women come on to her, as well as two biker dudes and another drunk aside from herself. She didn't have the heart to tell any of them no, so instead she nodded her head and spoke in Chinese, hoping that would dissuade their attempts at conversation.

With her luck she had met Wei Wei, a transvestite that was presently clothed in a neon green mini skirt and a black and red rubber bra. Wei Wei, it seemed, was amazed with her skill of his language. Brought in on a prostitution charge, he seemed to sense a kindred spirit in her.

Wei Wei had noticed the woman immediately. He didn't usually spring for chicks, unless they had a certain other appendage like his own, but this one was different. She was wearing boxer shorts with happy faces stamped all over them, a "Starfleet academy" T-shirt, that was, he noticed, absolutely filthy, and a pair of combat boots. That was it. She was also rambling in Chinese. _I wonder what she means by, "Friggen bards and their friggen monogamous friggen ways."_

"What's your problem, Sweetheart?" he asked her while sitting next to her.

Xena tried to focus her vision, which was dizzy and out of control. Her head pounded mercilessly. Feeling tears form in her eyes, she wailed, "My ex-girlfriend is mad at me for sleeping with this hunk of maleness."

"Ex?"

"Well, see, she's a semi-ex."

"Do you still love her?"

"Kinda."

"Either you love her or you don't. Is your maleness tolerant of your lezbean relationship?"

"I don't know."

"The last boyfriend I had didn't know I was a dude until we were married."

Xena blinked, and tried to focus again. When her vision finally cleared it was assaulted by orange lipstick and mascara packed eyes. "You're a dude?"

Wei Wei laughed. "Yep. But if anyone asks you, I'm a she. Okay?"

"That's cool with me," she said. "Hey, when my dude comes to spring me, do you want him to spring you, too? You could probably hang out at our apartment for a while. We take in lots of strays."

Wei Wei studied the woman a little more closely. She was, he sighed, fantastic.

"That would be great."

"I don't know why but I like you."

"I like you, too."

"Do you like booze?"

"Of course."

"Then I definitely like you." Xena felt like his mascara was blinding her. She spit on her hand, then wiped at his eyes. "Seriously, your eyes are packed with more make-up than an evil shamaness I used to know."

Wei Wei didn't bat an eyelash, due to the fact that he couldn't. The cheap mascara he used hardened upon contact. "Thanks," he replied cheerfully.

"No problem. I'm always here to help transvestites in need."

"We prefer to be called transgendered."

"Did I ask you to speak, bitch?"

Wei Wei smiled. "Now I _know_ I like you."

*****

Ares and Gabrielle appeared in the prisons men's room. Ares laughed when he saw that Gabrielle was sitting in a urinal.

"You have bad luck today, little bard," he said. "But thankfully I don't care about your luck. Let's go bail out our girl."

"Mine."

"Fine, stay deluded."

When Xena finally emerged from her shared cell, it wasn't alone.

"What's this?" Ares asked, as he took in six feet two inches worth of neon green and rubber standing next to his 'favorite' that was still wearing his boxer's.

Wei Wei rolled his eyes and whispered in Xena's ear, "You have no idea how much I get that."

"This is Wei Wei. I hope you two don't mind, but she's coming to live with us for a while."

"That's a man," Ares pointed out.

"Very good, Einstein," Wei Wei said sardonically.

Gabrielle's eyes darted back and forth between Xena and Wei Wei. But her eyes then stayed glued to Wei Wei's mini-skirt. Touching it softly, with eyes filled with awe, she said, "That's the most magnificent green I have ever seen."

"Girl, you know how to flatter." Wei Wei checked out the woman that was checking out his skirt. "Your hair matches my lipstick."

Gabrielle scowled. The man was wearing neon orange lipstick. "Thanks, I think."

"Xena, can I talk to you alone for a minute?" Ares asked her.

"Sure," Xena rubbed Wei Wei's arm affectionately. "We'll be right back, Wei."

"Sure thing, Sweet Cheeks."

Gabrielle found herself echoing Ares as she watched them head for the men's room, "You're not going to leave me here with this 'thing' are you?" Gabrielle groaned. Glancing at Wei Wei, she said, "No offense."

Wei Wei snapped his fingers, sporting well-manicured blood red nails, in Gabrielle's face. "As --- if."

Xena leaned against the same urinal Gabrielle had sat in just a few minutes earlier. "What?"

"Absolutely not. No Wei Wei," he said vehemently.

"I need Wei Wei." She scratched at her nose, trying discretely to dislodge her little green enemy.

"You don't need Wei Wei."

Xena's war with her nostril continued. She let her index finger scan the perimeter, before waging a full-force attack against the offensive booger that she couldn't reach. Ares yanked Xena's finger out of her nose.

"A-ha. Victorious yet again. Thanks Res."

"Don't mention it. Now, back to this whole Wei Wei business...I didn't realize I was paying off bail bills for the both of you."

"Just shut up and let's go home." She wiped her crusty green enemy on the urinal. "This place is disgusting."

*****

The taxi ride home was uneventful. Ares was angry at having to take a taxi in the first place, and Gabrielle was upset because she had to sit with the driver, who stank like Xena and Ares' apartment.

Wei Wei, Xena and Ares all sat in the backseat. The god and the immortal took up most of the space, and Wei Wei found himself snugger than a bug in a rug, and he liked it.

Ares practically oozed rage. Xena smiled. Ares' rage was a good thing.

"Xena," Ares started, "We've been together--"

Xena interrupted him, "--bitch, did I tell you to talk?"

Wei Wei could swear he saw smoke coming from the man's ears.

"Xena," Gabrielle said from the front seat, "I don't think--"

"That goes for all of you," Xena huffed. "I'm the only person who would have enough luck to get stuck in a taxi with four little bitches."

The taxi-driver stepped on the brakes, leaving skid marks all over the road. In perfect English, which none of them expected because he had spoken to them only in rapid Spanish, the man said, "I'm no bitch."

Xena gave him a feral grin. "I counted the blonde twice, now step on it."

The taxi stopped in front of the dilapidated apartment building they called home. Ares got out of the cab dragging Wei Wei with him. Gabrielle left the front seat of the cab and stepped on a wad of gum.

Xena usually took care of the taxi, so Ares knew it was best to get everyone else inside of the house.

Watching their forms enter the building, Xena spared a glance at the taxi driver. She went to his rolled down window. "We'll be back out in about five minutes, wait for us."

"Okay," the man said, "clock's running."

"It sure is," Xena replied as she walked away.

_As if I'd pay for a cab._

* * *

Wei Wei sniffed the apartment air. "I think jail smelled a little better, Xena."

"I think you're right, Wei Wei," Xena said, flopping down onto the couch. She met Ares' eyes with her own. "Dinner?"

He nodded his head yes. "Dinner."

"Pizza?"

"If you're buying."

"Just make it appear, asshole."

"You're angry tonight," Ares said as a pizza, complete in box, materialized in his hands. "I like that."

"That better have mushrooms on it."

"It does."

Wei Wei shifted in his heels. "I don't like mushrooms."

"Well, Ares will just have to get one that you like," Xena said.

"How did he make that appear out of thin air?" Wei Wei questioned as he kicked his heels off.

"He's special," Xena said.

Ares placed the steaming hot pizza box on the coffee table, having first swiped away all the bugs. "Xena, the funniest thing," he shot Gabrielle a quick look, "Gabrielle drank out of the toilet."

Xena howled with laughter. "And you once wanted her to be my successor!"

Ares wiped at his eyes, incase any godly goo, sometimes known as tears, dared to escape them. "I know!" He made another pizza appear, and placed it on top of the other one. "Pepperoni okay, transgendered Wei Wei?"

"Yes, Pepperoni is fine, darling." Wei Wei sat down on a pile of dirty laundry. "And thanks for noticing," he said, winking at Ares.

Aphrodite strolled out of the kitchen pushing Gabrielle in front of her. "She was totally cramping on my digs!"

"What?" Ares asked not understanding his sister.

"She tried to steal my garbage bag," Aphrodite whined. Noticing Wei Wei she asked, "Who's that? Another one, Xena? Gods, that's two more people we have to share this hole with!"

"This is Wei Wei, and give Gabrielle a garbage bag to cuddle with," Xena said.

"What? I'm sleeping with you, Xena," Gabrielle said.

"Um, I don't think so," Xena said softly, sinking further into the depths of the soft, bargain brand, found it on the side of the road, couch.

"What?" Gabrielle asked, her tone suggesting that she was seriously pissed off.

"Ooooooh!" Wei Wei clapped his hands together. "Is this your little lezbean that you were talking about?" he asked Xena.

Xena pulled the cover over her head. "Maybe."

"We'll discuss this later, _Xena_," Gabrielle said, sitting beside Wei Wei on the pile of laundry. "Tomorrow Ares and you are going to fill out job applications. The faster the job, the better."

"That's what I always say," Wei Wei added his two cents.

Gabrielle blinked. "Okay."

Aphrodite approached Ares cautiously. He was her brother, yes, but he could be mean sometimes. "Ar, can I invite Herc down here for some sup? He got bitch slapped today by Hobo Jack for his bottle of Pepsi. He's in a real bad way."

Ares rolled his eyes. "Fine, but just for tonight."

"Thanks Bro! You're the coolest!" Aphrodite disappeared in a flash, leaving only little pot leaves shimmering where she had been standing.

"Um, how did she just disappear?" Wei Wei asked.

Xena waved her hand in the air, and swatted a flying insect accidentally. "They're gods."

"Okay," Wei Wei said. "Do you have any crack?"

"Gabrielle," Xena said, gesturing the bard towards the door, "Go find Wei Wei some crack."

"Xena, Ares is bending over, why doesn't he just get some from--"

Xena butted in, "--Gabrielle, I don't want Wei Wei anywhere near Ares' crack. Jeez. You're a bad lezbean, bad! I mean, you won't even protect your girlfriend's boyfriend's crack."

"Ex," Gabrielle said with a hate-filled glare in Ares' general direction.

Ares snickered. Sometimes he really missed the bard just so Xena could have someone to play with. And because Xena kept bugging him to make these dumplings with the red stuff inside. What the Tartarus did she think he was, a cook? The bard knew how to make them, and he hoped that she would. Maybe he could bribe her. It worked for betraying, maybe it would work for cooking.

* * *

A loud persistent beeping woke them all up. Ares threw a ball of fire at it, hoping to stop it, but missed and got Wei Wei instead. He couldn't say that made him disappointed.

Xena stared at the small square object wondering if that was where the annoying sound seemed to be coming from. She was confused. Right next to the square was her beloved bard and she was unsure of which to hit. The sound was dreadful, but she wasn't one hundred percent sure that it was coming from only the square. It was mystifying. At least, it was until Wei Wei's hand shot out and whacked both the square object and Gabrielle, making the noise go away. _Damn it, now I'll never know where that sound came from._

Gabrielle wiped at her eyes and said, "Get clean. We're going food shopping and you both will fill out applications. We'll come home, put the groceries away, and then we'll go out filling applications again."

Xena went to the window and opened the shade. "Gabrielle! It's daylight out." Judging the position of the sun, Xena began to whine, "It's only eight in the morning for Zeus' sake. Normal people don't go out at eight in the morning."

"You're right normal people sleep until six in the evening. You're not normal Xena, you're a bacchae!"

"Whatever," Xena replied.

Gabrielle had ended up sleeping on top of the pile of dirty laundry with Wei Wei. She was not happy about it, either. She got up from the pile and punched Ares on the stomach. He groaned.

"Get up now, Mister," she said.

"Spank me again, Xena," he said, still blissfully sleeping.

She punched him again, harder this time. "I said get up. Get up now, Mister, and materialize me one of those nice BMW brand chariots. We're going to the store."

That got his full attention. "Xena, is this true?" he asked, now wide awake.

She nodded her head. "Unfortunately yes."

"And we'll need money, so materialize me some of that while you're at it," Gabrielle demanded.

"I'll manage the money, Gabrielle. You wouldn't know how," Xena said.

"Fine," Gabrielle agreed.

When a wad of bills materialized in Xena's hands she shoved the roll down Gabrielle's cleavage. "Us modern women keep our stuff right here."

"You were very modern three thousand years ago, Xena," Gabrielle said.

"Hardy-har."

"Aphrodite!" Ares shouted through the partially opened kitchen door.

"Whaaaaaaaat?" Aphrodite croaked out.

"Get up, we're going to the grocery store."

"What? Right now? It's still daylight!"

*****

Aphrodite pulled the cherry red BMW into the parking space in the blink of an eye. They exited the car, shivering in the cold morning air.

Ares groaned suddenly, startling them out of their shared brain freeze.

"S'up, Bro?" Aphrodite asked. When Ares groaned it wasn't to be taken lightly.

"Nothing. I just hate shopping. Hey, shouldn't someone let Gabrielle out of the trunk?"

Xena looked him in the eye; she was suddenly suspicious. "Why do you care so much about Gabrielle all of a sudden?"

"I don't!" he said, defending himself. "It's just..."

"Yes?" Xena asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Never mind, let her suffocate to death. See if I care."

"That's more like it, Ares," Xena said.

Aphrodite popped the trunk of the BMW with her mind, and waited for Gabrielle to get out of it. Once that happened, and the bard was steady on her feet, they went into the store.

Ares grabbed a cart, aware that together the six of them made quite the sight.

"The mothers and the elderly are staring at us funny," Hercules said. "I don't like it!"

"Why did we have to bring him again?" Ares pushed his empty cart up to Hercules' ass and began to tail gate him.

"Stop!" Hercules said.

"Stop!" Ares mimicked.

"Both of you stop or neither of you will get a quarter for the bubble gum machine on the way out!" Xena warned.

Gabrielle grabbed the cart that Aphrodite was pushing. "Go. The four of you should go and fill out applications here, now, do it!" She pushed Aphrodite toward the service desk, instinctively knowing that was where they would have to go.

"You go lil' lezbean! Tell them like it is!" Wei Wei fixed his hair, which was falling out of the purple and blue polka dot bandana he had wrapped it in.

Xena felt her lower lip tremble slightly. "Gab, look, I'm sappy again. I just don't think I can handle this whole, 'job' thing. Do I have to?"

Gabrielle stared at her 'warrior'. "Xena, what's happened to you? You used to be up at five in the morning doing drills. Now you don't even want to move."

"In this day and age Gabrielle, no one has to move!" Xena argued.

"Fill out the application. Now. End of discussion." Gabrielle turned her cart toward the bananas and walked away.

Aphrodite, Hercules, Ares and Xena all stood in line at the service desk. No one was there, but a small bell sat on the counter, just dying for someone to ring it.

Xena pushed it, happy with the "ding" that followed. Still there were no employees around.

Ares picked up the bell and threw it at the wall.

A young woman came out from a hidden room dressed in the "Feed The Hole" official uniform that basically told everyone that she belonged to "Feed The Hole."

Xena looked at her nametag. It said, "Lassa."

"What happened to the bell?" Lassa asked, seeing it firmly stuck into the wall behind the service desk.

"It beats us. We were just standing here. This little old lady," Aphrodite spotted a little old lady weighing melons with her hands at the fruit stand, "That one, over there," she pointed, "she was here before us and I guess she like, totally got pissed that there was no slaves to wait on her and get her some lotto tickets."

"Oh," Lassa said. Plastering a fake smile on her face she asked, "What can I do for you wonderful people today?"

"We'd like to fill out applications for employment," Ares said.

"Just a moment." Lassa gripped the applications with one arm, and then used her prostethic hand to grab some pens.

"Whoa, what happened to you?" Ares asked callously.

Lassa exhaled loudly. She hated when people asked her questions about her handicap. "I got partially devoured by some crabs. Some chick tied me up with a volley ball net after me and my friends refused to give it up so she could play with ... " Lassa squinted at Xena. "Didn't you used to work at the beach? It was ... it was you!" she accused.

"You've got the wrong woman, Lassa. Don't make me tell your manager on you!"

Lassa scowled at Xena. Handing them the applications, she disappeared into her hidden room.

Xena turned to Ares. "Don't you dare tell Gabrielle."

*****

Gabrielle threw another box of brownies into her cart, and then backtracked to meet Xena back at the service desk. Well more like to check on her. Trust was not an issue when one's girlfriend was sleeping with the god of war. Staring longingly at the box of unmade brownies, Gabrielle finally pushed her cart up the last stretch of aisle that would take her back to Xena.

"Xena, I hope you're filling out that application," she said, narrowing her eyes at Ares, who was too busy trying to get his pen to work to notice.

"I am. Gab, is it all right if where it says, 'prior work history' I write 'destroyer of nations'? Because I really want to write that," Xena said.

"No," Gab replied.

"Please?"

"No."

"Gabrielle," Ares said, "She was a destroyer of nations. Just like where it says, 'present occupation' I wrote 'god of war'. I can't lie." He shook his pen again in another attempt to get it to work, happy when the plastic broke in half.

"Sometimes I wonder about you two." Gabrielle grabbed a new pen from Xena's cleavage, and began to fill in the form for them. "Hmm, Xena? Education? You can't put down none."

"Why not?" Xena asked. "I was home schooled."

"I can tell."

"What would you put?" Ares wondered. "How far did you get in school?"

"I am a graduate of the third grade thank you very much."

"Gabrielle, do you know how many grades you need to go through now?"

"No. How many?"

"Twelve."

Gabrielle gasped. "Impossible."

"Anyway," Xena started, "I couldn't possibly list all of my schooling in this tiny little square."

"What do you mean all of your schooling?"

"Xena passed all twelve grades," Ares said.

"Yeah," Xena added.

"And she's a doctor." Ares pouted when Gabrielle took his application away from him.

"And a lawyer. And don't forget about how I'm also a brain surgeon," Xena said.

"And a gold medal Olympic champion gymnast."

"And how I created the Frisbee."

"I created the frisbee," Ares said, upset that she would try and steal his idea.

"You did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Either way, we can always bring Gabrielle to the park and have her catch it." Xena smoothly stopped their argument in its tracks.

"Agreed."

"Frisbee?" Gabrielle started intently at the job application. "How do I know how to write in this language?"

"Zeus must've give you special powers," Ares told her. "I think he likes you."

"I think he really wants you to get a job." Gabrielle, finished with their applications slapped the counter hard, making Lassa appear from her special room.

"Yes?" Lassa asked, her freaky smile still firmly attached to her face.

"We're done with these applications, and we hope to get a call from you soon." Gabrielle smiled sweetly. "Real soon."

"I'll pass these over to the store manager. He's the one who hires the newbies." Lassa said before disappearing quickly into her hidden room.

Ares snorted. He looked at Xena and sighed. "Imagine, an ex-FBI agent working as a cashier." He laughed. "Would you like your milk in a bag?"

"Um, did you forget you just filled out an application, too?" Xena arched a brow.

"Shit."

Hercules, standing in front of a lottery ticket game, didn't notice when Xena, Ares and Gabrielle stood behind him.

"Where's Aphrodite?" Gabrielle wondered.

"You left her alone?" Ares asked, his voice tinged with worry.

"Yes."

"Where?"

"The personal hygiene aisle."

"Oh great!"

Together Ares and Xena ran toward the personal hygiene aisle. "You should get some stuff in that aisle, too!" Gabrielle yelled at their backs.

Aphrodite stared at the box of tampons willing herself not to laugh out loud. She had a bet with Ares for two centuries now that she could last longer than he could during a stare-down competition with a box of the cotton unmentionables, and she had always won. Always. Competing with Xena was a completely different story. The woman preferred to open the box of tampons and simply shove it up her opponents nose. Simple, painful, and effective. And it always made her laugh, which was a major bummer because then she had to pay Ares five bucks.

When Xena and Ares finally made it to the hygiene aisle, neither of them was surprised to find Aphrodite spraying hair spray into her mouth.

"How many times must I tell you," Xena started, "that Aqua Net is not for snacking!"

"No way. You've never said that."

"Yes I did. Plenty of times!" Xena placed the can of Aqua Net Hair spray at her mouth and pressed the nozzle. A light mist of hair spray coated her tongue. She shook her head. "Not bad."

"Xena, can we leave? Please? Gabrielle has an entire day of applications planned for us."

"But Ares," Xena said in wonder, "We haven't even visited the alcoholic beverage aisle! We can't leave the store without some booze. And lots of it."

"Agreed."

Wei Wei caught up with the three of them in the beer aisle. Smoothing his jet black hair back into place, even though it was never out of place, he sighed. "I'm so glad to be away from that chatterbox lezbean! I mean, way to go on the lezbean thing, but she never shuts up. I had to listen to her for five minutes about some dude named 'Eli'. Now why would I care about this dude unless he was here and fuckable? Pffft."

Ares blinked. "Can we bring him back to prison?" he asked Xena.

Xena wasn't paying attention. "He was pretty fuckable." She caught Ares' look out of the corner of her eye. "What? He was. I don't care if you were afraid of him. He could do the greatest thing with... Ooh here comes Gabrielle. Forget this conversation ever happened." She snapped her fingers in front of their eyes and watched as a glazed look came over all of them. "Hehe. He taught me a lot of things."

"What were we talking about?" Wei Wei asked.

"I don't remember," Xena said. "I think we were talking about Bill Clinton and the effect he has had on the nation and then everything went fuzzy."

"Come on, let's go." Gabrielle pushed Hercules towards Ares. "And tell him to put back the eighteen steaks he put in his leather pants."

Ares arched an eyebrow. "I always knew you were a stuffer."

"I'm not a stuffer!" Hercules protested. "I'm just a hungry hobo."

Finally making it to the registers, Xena sighed in relief, hoping she would escape, "Feed The Hole" sometime within the next twenty minutes. Turning to address Hercules, she asked him, "And what are you going to cook them on? The pavement?" She snorted. "And put back that candy bar, I'm not paying for it." For a moment Xena feared Hercules was going to go into one of his tantrums and break the entire store, but he only stomped his foot making his jeans hug his butt tightly. She suddenly felt bad for saying no. "Okay Herc, you can get the Hershey bar. I'm sorry," she said.

"Thanks Xena!" Hercules grabbed five Hershey bars and threw them into the basket.

"If he gets a Hershey bar," Ares fumed, "Then I get a Hershey bar."

Xena put her arms over her head and stretched innocently, drawing the gazes of every living being in the store from the teenagers to the elderly, who promptly passed out or went into cardiac arrest at the sight. She yawned, then replied, "No."

Gabrielle cornered Wei Wei again. "And anyway, as I was saying, Eli was the best. Totally on this way of peace thing. I truly loved it. And I just know he loved me, no matter what he and Xena were doing behind my back. I mean, she let him hug her. She never even let me hug her. That's not right. And she thinks that I wasn't going to notice that?"

Wei Wei put his hands together and prayed for a miracle. Anything to shut the little bard up. His prayers weren't answered, and he was forced to listen to her as they stood in line.

"And have you ever heard of this dude, Ulysses?"

"King of Ithaca?" Wei Wei asked, for once intrigued by what was coming out of Gabrielle's mouth.

"Yeah that's the one. She had a thing with him, too. Even though he had the personality of a dead trout. And he stank just as bad, too."

"A thing? Was he fuckable?"

"Hello? Did you not just hear me? Personality of a dead trout. A dead one! He's just damn lucky I didn't throw him overboard to go live with the Sirens. Those bitches."

"What's the point of this story?" Wei Wei grabbed a pack of _Big Red_ from the candy display and put it on the register.

"The point is Gab's a man hater. She only tolerates you because you're dressed like a woman," Aphrodite said.

"Not true!"

"Whatever blondie. Just pay and let's leave. Ares has been farting up and down the aisles and let me tell you, I think the employees might've tracked down the source of the foul odor." Aphrodite waved her hand in front of her face. "Peeeee Eeeeeewulysses!"

One glance around the store and Gabrielle realized that Aphrodite was right. Everywhere she looked there were geeky teenage boys and girls hovering around Ares, like they had just seen a Centaur and didn't know what to make of it.

Vel had just started working at "Feed The Hole" and didn't particularly care for the job. Using her best "I'm pissed at the world, but I'm just taking it out on you today" voice, she said, "That'll be one-hundred-twenty three dollars and thirty eight cents."

"I'll give you one-hundred for it," Gabrielle said, trying to haggle over the price.

Staring blankly at the petite woman in front of her, Vel said again, "That'll be one-hundred-twenty three dollars and thirty eight cents, Ma'am."

"One-hundred-eight dollars."

"Do I have to call security?" Vel laughed evilly.

Gabrielle shivered with a strange feeling of deja vu, then handed "Vel" one-hundred and twenty-four dollars.

*******

Opening the door to their apartment, Ares turned his head to protect himself against the smell and the angry cockroaches that sometimes liked to attack them with their sneaky "openin' the door let's get 'em!" attack. They had already been home once today to drop off the groceries, and after filling out two-hundred and fifty six applications, they weren't the happiest of campers.

"Sweet blessed home! Do you people have any idea how hard it is to walk around all day with six inch spikes?" Wei Wei said, jumping onto the giant pile of garbage. He fell asleep instantly not waiting for an answer.

 _I do,_ Xena thought.

Gabrielle poked at him with her shoe. "No fair. Hey Xena, how come all those people kept staring at me?"

"It's the outfit. Here wear some normal clothes," Xena said, handing her a pair of cargo pants that were so wrinkled they looked like a shar-pei. A moment later she flung a T-shirt at Gabrielle's face, and tried to hide her smirk as it made contact.

"You call these normal?" Gabrielle raised an eyebrow. "Okay, well, now I think you should clean this sty. It looks like Alti's yurt in here. C'mon! All these cockroaches running around is starting to remind me of Cyrene's inn."

Xena jumped off of the couch that she had just sat down on. "Don't be talkin' trash about my mutha, Mutha!" Gabrielle crossed her arms and stared at Xena. Xena shrugged. "Fine. Mom might've had a little cockroach problem. But no one seemed to care when they were eating her famous crunchy boar stew, now did they?" she asked sarcastically.

"And to think it was Falafel's food that killed me!" Gabrielle pushed Xena back on the couch and sat down next to her. Glaring at Ares to keep him a far enough distance away, she kissed her lightly. "I've missed you, Centaur Cake."

Gabrielle pulled away. Xena wiped her mouth with her shirt sleeve to rid her lips of any bard DNA. Looking around the room, Xena said, "I dare anyone to comment on that. Just go ahead and do it. I'm hoping you do." She added her patented "look" and waited a moment. She cursed in relief, then stared at Gabrielle with puppy dog eyes. "I've missed you, too, Pumpkin Filling."

"Gods, this sweet stuff is making me sick," Aphrodite said. "Ar, totally clean up this place."

"You clean it!" Ares sat on the couch, and wondered what that lump was, not realizing that he had ignored all the empty cushions, and sat on Gabrielle. Doing his best to look sappy, he kissed Xena, then immediately turned around and spit. "Bard leavings! How could you Xena!"

"I thought I got it all."

"My hate for you is overwhelming and all consuming, Death Magnet," he said sweetly.

Xena smiled. "My hate for you is overwhelming and all consuming, too, my big strong strapping god of all that is evil."

Ares' eyes grew dark. "I love it when you," he paused to trail his finger down her face from her hairline to her mouth, "stroke my ego." It was at that exact moment that Gabrielle pinched his butt with the strength of midget contortionist. He let out a girly scream and jumped off of the couch.

"It wouldn't have looked too good for me," Gabrielle started, cornering the God of War in the small living room, "If I had died for the second time, trapped under the war god's ass!"

"It wouldn't have bothered me," Ares said honestly.

The phone rang. Its sound disturbed everyone in the house, until finally Aphrodite picked it up. "Yello, like this is the Immortal residence, what can I do you for?" She paused, listening to the person on the other end, then said, "Ah huh. Yep. Gotcha. Sure they would. Yeah, like me too. See ya then."

"Well?" Gabrielle asked.

Xena and Ares suddenly got a feeling of dread as Aphrodite lit a joint and inhaled. Exhaling after holding her breath as long as she could, she said, "Like, we all totally got a job, Mom."

* * *

Xena, Ares, Hercules, Aphrodite and Wei Wei all stood outside of a door that was labeled, "Mz. Al Tea".

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Xena said, once she spotted the label. "Alti never dies. Her evil just gets reincarnated over and over and over again. And I've had to fight her so many times--"

Ares interrupted her, "--Wait, there was that once in England when she hung out with us for a while."

"Oh yeah, when were in that punk band. That was cool," Xena said. "But I mean, usually she's a bad ass."

"I don't know what your problem is. I like her." Ares did like Alti. A little too much if Xena remembered correctly. He hoped that she wouldn't remember.

"You don't know what my problem is? She cursed my son. She cursed him!"

"I got it when you said it the first time," Ares huffed.

"You had a son?" Wei Wei asked.

"Yeah. My first little opium offering," she answered.

"Oh Xena, get over it. That was three thousand years ago. And you know Hades offered to let you visit on the weekends, you just never do," Ares said.

"I'm busy."

"Mz. Al Tea can see you now," the secretary informed them.

"Mondo thanks!" Aphrodite squealed, almost excited at the prospect of not having to lie on a garbage bag anymore. Maybe she could even get a bed.

Hercules pocketed the secretary's number, and followed the rest of them inside of Mz. Al Tea's office. Only after he smiled and waved at La Shonda first. He was always a gentleman first, a hobo second, and a hero third.

Al squinted as her sure to be newest employees entered her office. She smiled evilly as she noticed Xena. "Xena, nice to see you again."

"Alti."

"That's AL, Xena. Al Tea. Just Al."

"Whatever."

Wei Wei took a moment to look around Al Tea's office. Mounted on the wall behind Al's head were three giant Elk heads missing their antlers. He squinted, trying to catch what was written under each Elk head. Hat 1, Hat 2, and Hat 3. Hats? What did that mean? He searched through his small backpack shaped handbag for his glasses. Finding them, he placed them on his nose, and pushed them up the bridge of it using the tip of his neon green index fingernail. Underneath the word hat on each elk, it said: Gabrielle, Xena and Borias. Interesting. He would have to ask Xena who Borias was later on.

Al herself was dressed completely in dark blue spandex, and had a baseball cap that said, _The X-Files_ on her head. Sprouting from each side of the cap was an authentic elk antler.

"You could at least call me Al, Xena. We've known each other long enough," Al said.

"I refuse to be courteous to you in any way," Xena told her.

"Is this about that whole, 'cursing your son thing?'" Al asked.

"Um, no. It has more to do with that whole digesting my second child thing," Xena snapped.

"Oh that. I'm still digesting that one." Al burped to prove her point.

"Bitch!"

"Yes?" was the reply from everyone in the room. Xena felt the edges of her mouth fight against forming a smile. She had trained them well.

"Do you want this job or not, rejects?"

"Yes ma'am," Xena said meekly after viewing Gabrielle pointing at a no-smoking sign, covering up the word 'smoking' with her hand, and then pointing to her breasts. The basic meaning of gesture translated quite simply meant: No boobies for Xena. She hated how Gabrielle bargained sometimes. And the worst part was, no one else had witnessed it except for Wei Wei, who had put his finger down his mouth and pantomimed throwing up.

Al grabbed a pack of _Winston_ cigarettes that was laying on her desk, took out three cigarettes and lit them. She inhaled deeply, then said in the same throaty whisper that would haunt Xena for centuries, "I smoke twenty packs a day. The doctor told me I should cut down, and I showed him how he was going to die. Fair trade, don't you think?"

Hercules sat in the chair across from Al Tea, and frowned. He had no idea how to put the moves on this evil woman, but he wanted her, and wanted her badly. After taking a moment to deliberate on the possible pros and cons of trying to hit on her, he just went for it. "So, Al Tea, what do you think about me and you, huh?" He winked. "You. Me. A cardboard box. Some Pepsi. What do you say? Friday night good for you?"

Al checked him out. He was tall with sandy hair and an angry toddler attitude. Ah, what the hell. "Sure. Whatever."

"Aphrodite will fill out her application when we get back. Right now we're going to visit Cupid at the State Pen. We'll see you all when we get back. You'd better be here," Gabrielle warned.

Al waved her off. "They'll be here. I'll enslave their souls if I have to, but they'll be here."

* * *

Gabrielle had been in many prisons during her time as best friend question mark to Xena, but this was by far the cleanest she had ever been in. It had doors that seemed to move on their own, like they anticipated her arrival and her departure. It was great! For a moment she was sad that Aphrodite had chosen to stay in the car. Actually, the goddess' words had been, "I'm not going to see that little bastard. Let him, like, rot in hell like the bad ass mondo pile of shit he is."

Gabrielle walked down what seemed like an endless hallway until she reached two officers of the law. They waved a magic stick over her, made her sign a form, and told her to walk into the room and pick up the phone when Cupid entered.

She sat down on a cold, round metal seat, and picked up the phone. Many inmates walked passed her on their way to talk to their relatives and she could hear their names being called as they were alerted to their waiting family's presence. Soon "Milo Cupid" was called. She almost gasped when she saw him.

Cupid, shooter of arrows of love, was a bad ass. The last time she had seen him, his hair had been a lovely yellow color that looked similar to Callisto's. Now it was bright green. Two studs of metal pierced his left eyebrow. She wondered why they would allow that in a prison. The rolled up sleeves of his one piece orange prison uniform revealed his hearts tattoo that snaked around the width of his arm to meet at both ends. Underneath that was a giant tattoo of a hypodermic needle with the depressor depicted as a giant flaming skull. Tattooed in the hypodermic itself was a giant hand giving the finger; a small banner looked misplaced under the needle, as it proclaimed in purple letters the word, "Mom".

"What happened to you?" she asked after he sat down.

"I know what happened to you. You ate a bad taco and boom, the end of the Gabrielle story, babe."

"Seriously, what happened to you, Cupid?"

He arched a brow, making pierced studs stick out a little from his face. "You get caught with a few kilos of cocaine hidden in some chocolate boxes and suddenly you're a bad guy." He shrugged. "Why are you alive all of a sudden?"

"Zeus. He made me alive again so I could make Xena and Ares get jobs."

Cupid laughed. "That bastard. He's why I'm still in here." He sighed. "Well little girl, I wish you luck."

"I wish you luck! Watch your ass."

"Funny thing coming from a woman who used to sit on the soap," he said. Standing up, he hung the phone up, and pointed at his giant middle finger tattoo, then he pointed at her.

Gabrielle hated when her own tactics were used against her. After all, she just wanted to know what was going on. That was why she had gone there in the first place. She stood up and banged on the plastic that separated her from the inmates. She pointed at Cupid, and waved her hand back and forth in an effeminate manner like Vidalis taught her. Happy that she had just outed him, she left the prison.

*****

Going back and retrieving her friends, enemies, question marks and such, proved to be an easy affair. They had finished their paper work in record time and were now employees of, "Clean Schools R Us". Janitors. Not the best job, but the only one that had called back out of two hundred and fifty six applications. Aphrodite finished her paper work in less than three minutes and then they were home.

They were all tired, and had agreed traveling the god way was much better than taking the car. Gabrielle had shouted out, "And I owe you nothing, Ares! Nothing!" before they were whisked away in an instant to their shared apartment.

Ares and Xena mumbled about tomorrow being a workday and all that, and how they simply had to go to sleep right that moment in a hotel in Vegas, and that they would be back in time for work. Gabrielle was past the point of caring.

Aphrodite didn't look too pleased to be left alone with Gabrielle and Wei Wei as company, but she looked forward to Hercules finally getting to sleep in there, and not in his cardboard box on the roof. She cleaned the place up with one zap of her finger.

Gabrielle actually screamed in joy.

The place that was normally filled with cockroaches and other small vermin, was a virtual paradise. The floors were marble and spotless. Everything smelled like the forest. There were no piles of dirty clothes anywhere to be found. When asked where it all went, Aphrodite said it would be in their drawers and closets.

Gabrielle was left wondering if it was that easy, why they had been living in such filth for so long. Not bothering to ask, she found what had previously been a pile of clothes, but was now a soft comfortable bed, and fell asleep. Wei Wei's neon green nails rested gently against her abdomen when he draped his arm over the little chatterbox, and also slipped into the realms of Morpheus.

Xena and Ares appeared in the clean apartment early the next morning.

"Eew. It's clean. Who cleaned it?" Xena wondered.

"I'm betting Aphrodite." Ares' face was the look of a very angry, angry god who was going out to hunt some wabbit. Until, of course, he noticed off of the left hand side of the couch was his glorious gargantuan skeleton throne. "Xena! Xena it's back!" He jumped up and down. "I've missed this thing!" He ran toward it, but Xena cut him off and sat down in it first.

"Ha! And it's just as comfy." She cleared her face of any emotion and said, "Do I look dark and sullen? Do I look sultry, Lord Ares?"

"Always, my virtual spewer of bad names and bed bugs," Ares said, wiping away an imaginary tear.

Xena patted the space that was empty beside her. "Would you like to sit down with me on the Goth throne?"

"Of course!" Ares planted his ass in the vacant space grinning in delight when he noticed a bowl of fresh grapes sitting on the small table beside the chair. He picked up a grape and placed it in his mouth. "Come and get it," he said.

"Is that invitation for just anyone?" Wei Wei said, grabbing the war god's face and plunging his tongue into his mouth.

Ares looked stunned. Xena quickly bitchslapped Wei Wei. "When I invited you here," she said coldly, "I didn't invite you into there," she pointed at Ares' mouth. Wei Wei pouted. Ares was still spitting onto the Mr. Clean floor. "Well, I'll forgive you just this once. After all, if it was open and tempting near me I know I wouldn't be able to--" she stopped herself from saying anything more as she noticed Gabrielle coming out of a room she didn't even know was there. "Hey Gab. I love you, too, sweet heart."

Gabrielle blinked. "I didn't even say I love you yet, Xena."

"But you would've."

"You're right. I love you, Xeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-nah."

Wei Wei covered his ears. "God, that's screechy, girl."

"Are you all ready for your workday?" Gabrielle asked. A moment later a loud snore vibrated the entire house.

Ares' face went from dark and sinister to dark and even more sinister. "Hercules slept here?" Another snore, louder than the first, broke all the windows. They were quickly fixed when Aphrodite came out of the kitchen, where she had slept on a bed she had specially designed to look like a garbage can. It was meant for the bard, but she had taken off to her room with Wei Wei following closely behind.

"Yo bro, chill. It was just for the night. You and Xena were probably bothering little old ladies all night anyway."

"We did. We trashed all the bingo halls and won every game," Xena said matter-of-factly.

"B-I-N-G-Old. B-I-N-G-Old and decrepit. B-I-N-G-O-immortal was his name-O!" Ares and Xena sang together for the benefit of their friends.

"That's enough! Get clean, and get ready for work," Gabrielle said. "You have to be there in twenty minutes. Except you, Wei Wei. I've decided you don't have to work at all."

Wei Wei looked sad at the thought. "Later you and I will walk down to the corner."

"Yes!" Gabrielle replied, excited. "I've always wanted to walk the corner!"

* * *

Hercules knew what a janitor was, he had read about it on one of the newspapers he used as a blanket. A janitor was a person who cleaned. What he did know, however, was that his alternate universe twin, The Sovereign, was not a janitor and should not be standing in front of him wearing a bright orange, "Clean Schools R' Us" T-Shirt.

The Sovereign reached out and whacked him on the arm. "Hey Herc. Long time no punch, huh?"

"What are you doing here? I thought you were on America's Most Wanted. How come they haven't caught you yet?"

"Because they're looking for you."

"You shouldn't be working for schools. You're a criminal."

"Oh and Xena and Ares are angels?"

"Xena was once." Pause. "What, she was!"

Al came out of her office a moment later. Her blue spandex was glued to her body and she had what Hercules could only hope was red ink smeared on her forehead. She coughed loudly, then began telling them their duties. "Listen up. Clean the toilets, clean the room, don't steal anything. Got it?"

"Sure," Hercules replied.

"Yep," Aphrodite said.

"Xena put that back!" Ares slapped her hand lightly making her drop a stapler.

Xena looked longingly at the stapler, but remained calm. She could always go back for it later.

"Get to work!" Al said, smacking Hercules on the ass. She blew a smoke puff in Aphrodite's face, and waited for them all to leave. "Except you, Xena," she said before the woman could bolt. "I'd like to talk to you in my office please."

Xena got comfortable in an oversized office chair that had a deer skin cover. "What is it?"

"Did you happen to notice over the years that Caesar's every where you look?" Al said, hoping that Xena would rise to the bait.

Xena stiffened. "Yeah, what of it?"

"I mean, come on. Caesar salads. Caesar dressing. Little Caesar's. Caesar's Palace. Don't you ever get sick of seeing that?"

"The man's dead, Al. You can't expect me to be upset because his name lived on."

"Oooh, but I do."

"Is this where you tell me, 'you can see him again, you know?'"

The haughty look on Al's face disappeared. "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Just a guess. All right, I suppose I'd like to see him again."

"Good. Just give me a second to get my 'crossing to the other side' knapsack."

Al opened a drawer on her desk and took out a knapsack. From that she grabbed a small birthday candle that was in the shape of a tombstone that said "51--You've officially died" on it. A moment later she placed a lighter and a bottle of catsup beside it.

"Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

Al lit the candle and poured some catsup in her hand. She smeared it all over Xena's forehead, making sure it was even all along her hairline. "Dance around the candle."

"It's on your desk!"

Al threw all of her paperwork on the floor, catching her pack of cigarettes before it reached the shaggy carpeting. "Get on the desk."

"It looks unstable." Xena eyed the desk, which didn't look level with the floor, and shook every time the phone rang.

"Just get on the desk or you're fired!"

"Friggen unfair. I'm bringing this to the labor board."

Al grinned maliciously while watching Xena struggle to stand on the desk. "Like they would listen to you."

"Sweet mother of Eli! I feel like I'm fighting in Callisto's fort on this thing. Do you have Gab strung up somewhere?"

"Don't bother me while I'm smoking," Al said lighting a cigarette.

Xena fought to gain her balance on Al's shoddy desk, then began to dance around in a circle. _Hey, if I could tackle Tataka like a nerf spiral football then I can stay on this desk without falling._

Al Tea grabbed a nearby stack of recently dry cleaned uniforms and placed it on the side of her desk, knowing that Xena would soon pass out and go to the other side. Struggling and wheezing, she finally managed to place it exactly where she wanted, then stubbed out her cigarette in a nearby ashtray that was shaped like a skull. _I've got to quit smoking. Damn doctor's and their damn, 'this causes cancer' pamphlets._

In the blink of an eye, and a newly lit cigarette, Xena passed out. Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head, and her knees buckled, no longer supporting her weight. She fell off of the desk with a dramatic whoosh sound to land right beside the stack of uniforms with a solid thump and an unknowingly uttered muffled groan.

Al chortled. "Knew that was going to happen. Stupid psychic powers. Strangely enough, it was still funny."

******

Xena opened her eyes, unaware of where she was for the briefest of moments. _Alti and her stupid trips to the land of the dead._ She stood up, and placed a hand to her head. _Guess I fell off of the desk._ Glancing up she noticed there were large rocks jutting up into the sky, which was a deep, dark red color. _Guess Caesie went to Hell._

A large creature with a set of wings that were larger than her body approached her. Its horns twitched like a preschooler on Ritalin, and it sniffed at her almost delicately. "Xena?" it asked in a deep guttural tone.

Xena squinted. _No, it can't be. Can it?_ "Mommmmmmm! How are you?"

Demon Cyrene growled, then smacked her. "The dead can hear your thoughts."

"Oh." Xena looked around her, trying to find a way out of the very bad situation she had just found herself placed in. "I didn't mean it."

"When I died, you thought, 'Jeez, I'm surprised the old biddy lasted this long," Demon Cyrene accused. "And not just that, then you went and gave your brother the inn!"

"Well I wasn't going to take care of it. I had stuff."

"You weren't even doing anything then."

"Stop harping on me! I'm here on business and I don't have time for this."

"You never have time for your mother," Demon Cyrene whined. "All those times I tried to set you up and could you appreciate it? No!"

"Well if you knew I didn't appreciate it why didn't you stop?"

"I liked to bother you."

"I figured as much."

Demon Cyrene waved a gnarled finger at Xena. "Carry on then. Get out of my face. I have a strip-poker match with Him and He hates when I'm late."

Demon Cyrene opened her arms, making her wings spread wide. "Come give your mother a hug."

Xena shrugged off her mother's hug. "Get away from me. I haven't let you do that since I was six years old. I don't intend on starting now."

"See ya in a few years, Hon," Demon Cyrene said softly.

"Yeah, later."

_It is just my luck to run into her down here._

The immortal warrior continued her journey to find Caesar. Knowing she didn't have to worry about Callisto trying to engage her in a sword fight at any given moment made her mission a little easier. _She should've died the first time, but oh no, her ultimate revenge: having me give birth to her. Couldn't just stop at killing Gabrielle's little Martha Stewart Living Husband, or my crack baby. She had to knock me up! The friggen nerve._

She stopped in front of a large tent. The tent itself looked out of place. All around Hell there were demons in various meetings that were solely based on the taking over of "the light'. They hovered all along the top of the caverns and Xena was sure that more than one had spit at her. _Assholes are worse than pigeons._ But none of them had a tent. One demon in particular continued to stare down at the tent. She whistled at it, trying to get it to say something.

The demon flew down to where she was standing, and settled on its haunches. "Seena, eet has been so long."

A giant glob of spit sprayed from the demon's lips on to Xena's face, landing directly on her left eye lid which had thankfully closed in defense of her eye. "By Zeus' tiny godly jewels! Can't any of you talk and control your bodily fluids?"

"Eye am sorry." The demon fidgeted slightly, truly sorry that it had spit on her.

"No, I'm sorry Borias. I shouldn't have yelled."

Demon Borias smiled, and Xena noticed that despite his grotesque appearance, his sideburns were still turning her on. Before she did something she'd regret, she pointed to the tent. "Caesar's?"

"Jes."

"Thank you. Toodles Borias."

"Vhat, no kees for de dead guy?"

It was Xena's turn to fidget. "But..." her eyes narrowed as she remembered Gabrielle's look of disgust when they had been demons and she had wanted her to kiss her. It wasn't fair, he didn't mean to look like that. It was the making of a warlord's life that had done it. "Oh what the Hell!" She leaned in and kissed him. "Okay," she pulled away, "gotta go!"

"See ju!" Borias waved and flew back up to his perch.

Xena stood outside of Caesar's tent thinking about if she wanted to go in it or not. _On one hand it would be good to see what he's up to down here. On the other hand, the bastard always did have some killer breath._ She yanked back the flap and strolled inside. She stopped short when she saw him.

Demon Caesar was standing in the middle of his tent wearing a tutu and talking to himself. "Xena, I said I'm sorry 'bout the legs. Why won't you leave me alone? I know Brutus' love for me was too much for you to bear, but you got over it! Why are you bringing it up now? What did I spend the one hundred thousand dinars on? What does it matter!"

"Caesar!"

"Ahhh!"

"What's with all the promotional items in the land of the living, huh?"

"What are you talking about?" He stared at her, trying to figure out if she was real or an illusion of his own creation.

"The salad dressing, the pizza place, the casino. What's with all that?"

"I have no clue what you're talking about, Xena. But why don't you sit down on Brutus, who's permanently clutching his ankles over there?"

"I'd rather not."

"What else bears my name in the land of the living?" he asked, his foggy mind clearing like the sky after a rainy day.

"Contraceptives, knee bandages, toilet paper. We've named the chamber pot after you too. Now when people say, 'I'm going to take a number two.' what they say, 'I've gotta go take a Caesar.'"

"NO!"

"It's a cryin' shame. Well, see you later." She whacked Brutus on the ass. "Tough break, ya submissive little bitch."

*****

Al turned the page of her _Gun's N' Ammo_ magazine and watched as she noticed Xena grumbling in her unconscious state. _Almost time to get up. Oooh an UZI!_

The stench of strong, fresh brewed coffee woke Xena from her journey to the land of the dead. "The best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup!" she exclaimed jumping up and running for the coffee pot.

Al, way ahead of her, held the pot just out of her reach. "Coffee is for management only. Get your ass to work."

"Don't you want to know how it went?"

"Not really. I was only in it to see you fall off of my desk. Call me a sadist or whatever."

"Sadist."

"Thank you. Talking bad to the boss. I'm docking your pay."

* * *

Xena found The Sovereign working with Ares in the ladies room. They both looked equally pissed off as they moved their chemical soaked cloth rhythmically over a porcelain god.

"This is not a God duty," Ares grumbled.

"Very DISGUSTED!" The Sovereign yelled.

"Where were you?" Ares asked her.

"I was visiting the other side."

"Alti let you visit the other side without me?!"

"Yep."

"Did it ever occur to you, Ares, that you could just clean this entire school with your mind?" Xena asked him.

"Actually no. Thanks though."

The Sovereign looked Xena over, from the tips of her combat boots, up the length of her black leather pants, over her delicious curves encased in an orange 'Clean Schools R Us' T-shirt, and finally resting on her cold, ice blue eyes.

Xena looked him over as well. He was wearing a pair of _Guess_ sneakers, black _Addidas_ pants, and was also wearing a 'Clean Schools R Us' T-Shirt. She wanted very much to jump him, but knew that Ares would never go for it. _Never stopped me before._

"I'm going to the supply closet. Say, Sovereign, you know where the mop packs are, right?"

"If I don't I can explore every inch of that supply closet until I find your mop pack for you. You'll scream in delight, when I find that clear little package of pink goo."

Ares arched a brow. "Xena, I'm perfectly capable of finding you a little package of pink goo."

Xena snorted. "No."

"Please?"

"Whichever one of you makes it to the supply closet first, gets to find my package!" she said, running out of the small bathroom.

An hour later she was still sitting in the supply closet staring at a "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit" calendar, waiting for someone to come in and find her a little pink package of goo.

Giving up, she walked out of the supply closet and went back to the little girls room. The Sovereign and Ares were still fighting one another over which of them got to find her goo. She placed her fingers on her temples and began to rub. "That's it, our workday is over. We're going home."

Ares pushed The Sovereign's head into the toilet one more time and flushed. "Now it's clean."

~~~~

Gabrielle and Wei Wei had been loitering on the corner for over an hour. Loitering on the corner hadn't turned out to be what Gabrielle expected. What she expected was a festival, maybe a few gorillas on stilts, but not a bunch of Meg's smoking and waiting for cars to pull up to them.

She brushed a few errant strands of short strawberry blond hair behind her ear, and glared at an old guy resembling Zeus, that had pulled up in Camaro, and was waiting patiently for her to approach with the windows rolled down.

She was about to approach the car when Wei Wei pushed her out of the way and smiled at the old man. "She's not what you're looking for old timer," he said, in a voice that sounded so feminine even she had to stop a moment to remember that he was a man.

"Yes she is. Let her get in the car!"

"Zeus!" Gabrielle yelled, knowing the old god fart for what he was.

"No, wrong guy. I'm just Joe Schmoe from Idaho!"

"You are no Joe Schmoe."

Zeus frowned. "Don't tell Hera!" he said out the window before burning rubber, and making out of there like a rat would once it realized it was in a pharmaceutical company.

Wei Wei sat down on an overturned garbage can, ignoring the muffled complaints from the occupant inside. "This is the worst day of hooking~~ever!" he said.

"We don't really need the money. You don't need to sell yourself. Ares can make money appear out of thin air."

"You think he would for me?"

"If you did something for him."

Wei Wei licked his lips. "I can do more than _something_ for him."

"Um, I didn't mean like that. But I'm sure that works too. Just don't let Xena catch you. She'll go warlord on ya."

"Warlord?"

"She never told you she used to be a warlord?"

"Noooo."

"Well you know that Aphrodite and Ares are gods, right?"

"Yes, that's been established."

"Well Xena's an immortal. She can't die."

"What if I cut off her head, like on Highlander?"

"Nooope."

"Damn, that's the best kind of immortal then." Wei Wei tapped his heels against the garbage can, further pissing off the person inside, before saying, "A warlord you say? How did you two meet?"

Gabrielle bit her lip. "Xena saved me from some slavers. Gods, I haven't realized how much I missed her sitting in the Fields. I love her. I love you Xeena!"

"Cut the dramatics, she's not even around."

"Yeah well, like I was saying...She saved me from a bunch of bad asses and then I saved her from getting stoned in her village."

"She must've been pissed if she wanted to get stoned and you wouldn't let her."

"Not that kind of stoned. Stoned."

"Oh."

"Let's go home."

"Okay."

Together the odd couple made their way back to the immaculate apartment. Now dead bug carcasses were due to roach killers, and the occasional fatality from the odd bug who decided it was perfectly natural to sit in puddles of wood cleaner and sniff bleach.

Turning on the TV, Wei Wei patted the couch beside him, and waited for Gabrielle to sit down. She did. She stole the remote from him, and then sheepishly handed it back when she realized she didn't even know how to turn it on.

"Sorry."

"No problem, Gab."

Wei Wei took off his heels, then nonchalantly stripped off all his clothes.

"Hey your boobs are real!" Gabrielle exclaimed.

"They're rubber, pervert!"

"Rubber? Can I touch them?"

"Were you always like this?"

"No. Can I? Can I please?"

"Well I guess."

Gabrielle reached out and grabbed two handfuls of rubber Wei Wei bosom, never noticing that her wayward housemates had come home after work, and were staring at the scene in front of them in awe.

Aphrodite groaned at the scene. "I'll be in Herc's box."

"He got a new box?" The Sovereign asked. "Since when?"

"Since the people down the street got a new refrigerator."

"Oh. I'll go too, then," The Sovereign said, anxious to get out of the clean apartment himself.

Xena pushed Ares away from her because he was standing entirely too close to her for her liking. She stood in front of Gabrielle, waiting for the little bard to let go of Wei Wei's rubber goodies.

Gabrielle spent the next few minutes exploring the rubber before putting Wei Wei's rubber boobies back into his bra. "Those would've come in so handy when I was still stuffing."

"Now do me!" Xena thrust her chest out.

"I already know what yours feel like," Gabrielle said, bored.

"Just do it!"

Gabrielle squeezed. "Happy now?"

"No. Wei Wei, you do it."

Wei Wei squeezed. "How was that?"

"Nooooo! Just forget it. The moment's gone."

Xena saw that Ares was sitting back in his giant skeleton chair again. "Get out of my chair."

"It's my chair!" he yelled, his voice echoing through the apartment.

"Well then move over and share. You know I love the chair just as much as you do."

Ares shot her a look, but moved aside.

"Xena, why exactly are you immortal?" Gabrielle asked her, suddenly suspicious.

Xena choked on a sip of half-swallowed Pepsi. "Remember when I died?"

"Which time?"

"The second time."

"The tree trunk incident?"

Xena cringed at her wording. "Yeah that one."

"What about it?"

"Well you gave me ambrosia and cursed me to live forever."

"Oh." Gabrielle frowned. "So you're blaming me for this too? That's so typical of you Xena. And how did you die the third time if you were already immortal?"

Ares answered the question for her. "You see Gabrielle, since the piece of ambrosia you fed her was so small, it took a few years to kick in. She probably would've woken up in a few days buried in a pit and NOT happy."

"Okay, but that doesn't explain Zeus and Hera. Didn't the Fates play circumcision with their life threads?"

"Yeah but that was their regular threads. They had emergency back ups hidden away," Ares explained. "As if the King and Queen of the Gods could be taken out with pinking shears."

A knock on the door startled them out of their conversation.

"Honey, open up. It's mom!" Hera said.

"Speak of the devil." Xena whistled. "Always on time."

Ares opened the door with his mind and waited for his parents to come inside.

Upon entering the room, Zeus eyed it with surprise. He didn't honestly think the place would ever be clean again. And the smell of floor cleaner was bothering his allergies.

"Why are you visiting so early?" Xena asked.

"Well," Hera started, eyeing the skull chair with fascination, "Zeus and I had a talk with Al Tea, and she's told us that you are all doing a wonderful job with her company."

"Meaning?" Ares gave her a dubious look.

"Meaning that you two are fine now, and no longer need to hold a job. Your father and I trust you. But I don't ever want to see your sister sleeping on pizza crust again!"

"No problem!" Ares said, excited about not having to work again. One day had been more than enough for him.

"Does this mean you're going to get rid of Gab, now?" Xena asked hopefully. Gabrielle whacked her on the back of the head. "I mean, please, please don't make Gab go back!" Gabrielle whacked her on the back of the head again. "What? I changed my wording."

"You still deserved it," Gabrielle said.

"Unfortunately, yes. Gabrielle, toodles!" Zeus pointed his finger and zapped Gabrielle back to the Elysian Fields.

Wei Wei grasped at thin air. "But I never ... " he sighed dramatically, "got to tell her I love her!" Noticing that his attempts at grabbing air were futile, he said, "Oh well, our outfits would've clashed every day. And we can't have that." He walked over to Xena and pinched her on the cheek. "I'm out of here, babe. Thanks for letting me free-load. I couldn't have found a nicer piece of jail meat to leech off of. My corner awaits me."

Tears welled up in Xena's eyes. "But Wei Wei!"

"No," Wei Wei said softly, "A good Queen always knows when to hand over the throne. I can't compete with you, Your Highness."

 _He does know how to charm,_ Xena thought. "I'll miss you!"

"I'll miss you too. But if you ever want to chat I'll be working this block for about a month. See ya!"

"Wei, it was almost nice knowing you," Ares said, as he watched Wei Wei walk out the door.

"Who was that?" Hera asked.

"I don't know, some homeless prostitute in need of a home Xena picked up while spending some time in prison."

"Oh. That explains it."

"Well, we're off," Zeus said. "Do me a favor and hide the entrance to the secret Godly pot forest from your sister, okay?"

"Sure thing, Dad. Later," Ares said.

Zeus and Hera left in a flash of light.

"This is strange. We're alone." Ares made two bottles of tequila appear. He handed one to her. "Cheers."

"Cheers."

"So, how about it? The bingo hall down the street is opened tonight. Feel like terrorizing the old people?"

"Did you even have to ask?"

*****

Gabrielle reclined on her lazy-boy chair specifically given to her by Zeus. She was still in the fields, yes, but now Perdicus and Joxer were with each other on that rock, and she was given her own little piece of paradise. A large, abandoned section of the fields was hers, and hers alone, to call home. It was separated from the rest of the field community by a giant fence of see through plexi-glass. A GodTV sat on a small table, and it could be tuned in to any living mortal or immortal she wanted it to be. Even now she watched as Xena and Ares sat in a bingo hall, sandwiching an old woman between them. They each were smoking five cigarettes and Ares had switched the woman's ice with the B-5 and the B-3 bingo balls. Xena was about to daub out all of the woman's numbers with her economy sized dauber, but paused in mid-daub as the hairs on her arms stood straight up.

"Xena, what is it?" Ares asked, all five cigarettes hanging from his lower lip.

It was then that Gabrielle decided to act, "Xena, don't you dare daub that woman's numbers. That would be evil and inconsiderate of you and you've been way past that for centuries. By the way I love YOU, Xeeee-nah."

Xena dropped the dauber and covered her head with her arms like she was preparing to crash in an airplane.

"Hahah! That's what you get for shacking up with that loser. I'm with you for eternity baby, even if I'm not right by your side." Gabrielle sipped lightly on a chilled lemon ice-tea and got comfortable. "Speaking of, I want that divan out of your apartment. There's no reason to keep the damn thing. It's ancient. And I don't even want to hear about sentimental value. You only bit him on the damn thing. That's it! Get rid of it! Oh, and Xena, I love you!"

*****

In an obscure location on Mount Olympus, Zeus and Hera were cuddling together on a large bed.

"Why do you think Ares is such a slob?" Hera asked Zeus. "I mean, he had to learn it from somewhere, but I'm quite sure it wasn't us." She emphasized the 'us' by throwing a half-eaten chicken wing on the floor, splattering special spicy sauce in the pattern of a peacock feather.

"I don't know why the boy is such a slob, Hera. It's disgusting. He's disgusting. And so is his immortal chick," Zeus said, picking up an opened soda that had been sitting on the nightstand for three weeks, and taking a sip. "Mnn, it's congealed. Soda always tastes the best when it's left to sit."

"Anyway, we'll probably have to visit again soon. I mean, someone has to keep them in line."

"Agreed." After a moment of silence Zeus asked, "Do you know what I did to Xena?"

"What?"

"I gave Gabrielle constant GodTV and a mind-connector."

"That's evil!" Hera said. "I like it!" She scooped up some frosted flakes, whose origins were unknown, and chewed them slowly. "You know what I did to Hercules?"

"What?"

"I had his cardboard box recycled."

Together the King and Queen of the Gods laughed.

"We'll have to meddle with their lives more often."

"Yes, I haven't had this much fun since Hercules lost wife number two. I was so hoping he would marry that Morrigan girl so I would have something to do. Damn it!"

"Good night, Wife."

"Good night, Husband."

 

The End


End file.
